What does meditating for 8 hours a day for 3 days straight do?
It's funny, I had felt something well up inside me for a while, yet was hesitant to break down with everyone around me. It wasn't until I was one-on-one, facing the person who had been guiding us on our meditation retreat, that the tears started to stream down my face.
I don't know exactly why I was crying. But it was likely tied to finally accepting how difficult the retreat really was, rather than the serene experience I expected it to be.
I wanted to reflect a bit openly on my time over a recent 3-day meditation retreat I attended at a Zen centre. This involved around 8 hours of meditation a day, with the days lasting about 12 hours, and was conducted entirely in silence (no speaking to your fellow meditators.)
Might be a touch more than you're used to with the 5-minute Headspace sessions.
Before you repulse and click off this post from the thought of touching a blog post related to religion and spirituality with anything other than a 20-metre spiked pole (for maximum affliction), I'd invite you to consider the idea for a few reasons:
- I will not tell you off like the bark of a parent or an old grandmother that "you should really meditate!"; if you wanted that, you could just head to any YouTube influencer's page who could tell you that they woke up at 5:00am and started meditating at 4:59am.
- I am not, by any means, a meditation guru, or even someone with a lot of experience, and hence will not try and drag on about all the transformative ways in which meditation will change your life and leave you feeling rejuvenated and clarified. Just look at the bio of a 16 year-old girl's page who discovered inspirational quote pages a year earlier than her friends
- I will do my best to simply be honest about my experience, in the hope that it might be interesting or useful to those curious in any way about meditation, or who have questions about the way we live life
Overall, I hope to convey that my experience was, in contrast to how often it is pushed by how people talk about meditation, difficult. Because life is difficult.
The retreat
Expectations versus reality
Going into the retreat, I had the idea that it was going to be easier than all other meditation, and I would leave feeling clarified and at peace.
After, I was exhausted, and much of the retreat felt like I was waging war on myself.
Why?
Much of my daily life, and I am sure is the same with most people, is spent trying to remove myself and run away from negative feelings.
- Going on that walk to 'clear the head';
- waiting for that morning cup of tea or coffee to 'really get me going'
- opening up to my dear friend, the fridge, once the anxiety comes flooding in
And generally do everything in my power to figure out ways to 'get rid' of bad feelings and self-deprecation when they come up.
Most people may resonate with this running away from negativity to some degree.
I don't know many people who would counter and say
No, in fact I very much enjoy feeling very stressed, angry, and depressed, and when I do, I do nothing to try and change this and actively encourage self deprication because I love being in a state of horrific suffering!
If this is you, you may need more than a post written by an underqualified, inexperienced meditator.
The daily busyness and distraction of life didn’t magically go away once I sat down. In contrast, with no distractions (phone, work, talking etc.) on the mat all that remained was my mind hating sitting there still, wanting to find happiness and contentment in other things. A pervasive busyness in my thoughts, and an aversion to just being still.
As I sat, trying to follow my breath, I thought, this should be peaceful why isn’t it? I should have this nice feeling, why is the mind so busy? I'm sure this will go once I stand up, can't wait until the next break, yes that cup of tea will make nice feelings, or once I workout, it will feel nice once I write a blog post on this! Gosh, I can't WAIT to have peace in the future once I've been meditating for ages, then there will be no more bad feelings and busyness, and finally, at the END of the retreat I will feel better than I do now, yes that will be great,
But I wish this were different now... It can’t be like this...
And that was an honest whistle-stop tour into my chaotic head throughout most of the retreat, moment by moment.
This is okay
I’m saying this to disambiguate meditation and retreats. Seeing this, as hard as it was, is okay. If you have ever meditated before and found it to be difficult, uncomfortable, or busy when it shouldn’t be, you are not alone. This is our experience.
This is good
Firstly, it suggested to me how I, and most people, just have a terribly busy mind. Sorry, no way around that one. Secondly, and really which is the product of this busyness, how I am constantly looking towards other things, people, and situations, for freedom from bad feelings.
This is good because as we sit it, one might be able to interrupt this busyness a bit and loosen their grip, painfully slowly, around using stuff to change how we feel. I found I slowly came to accept that I was feeling unpeaceful, and not try and push that away. Ironically, only in not trying to push away negative feelings, did they go by themselves. Because I wasn't so wrapped up in feeling bad being the end of the world.
- You can feel bad, be anxious, or fearful, and maybe we don’t need to try out every method in the toolkit to change this.
- You can have a conversation with someone and let go of your need to tell them what they ‘should’ do, because you can see the busyness and judgments going on in your mind.
- You can perhaps start to notice how those around you are in pain, because you are not so wrapped in what you want and how you need to make your own life ‘better.’
Nevertheless, my teacher made a hilarious point about this:
When someone says, "be with fear, just like this, in this moment, just as it is” it sounds lovely and freeing. However, it is still fear. You are still feeling afraid.
Going back to my point of making this post, the retreat is hard for this very reason. Because it is not easy to sit with fear, aversion, and wanting to be anywhere but here. Truly being with this stuff involves trying not to change it; thereby feeling it fully.
It’s hard as hell facing resistance and busyness.
Do I do this well? No. Which Is why I am sorry for sometimes lashing out, being unkind, and not taking proper consideration of those around me. I am still very much working on it and have a long way to go.
Nevertheless, I couldn’t recommend meditation, or a retreat, enough to anyone reading. Because in my experience, it's only in seeing that we can start to learn a different relationship with all of this.
We start to learn how to accept things as we sit. We can be freer and kinder once we create space; by being less wrapped up in the busyness.
And it takes time, which is why we practice it.
Conclusion
I'm certainly terribly ignorant right now, and I will look back on this in a few years, or even a few weeks, and think "Gosh! Ignorant, pretentious, and long-winded."
(Hope I didn't bore you too much.)
Nevertheless, I wanted to reflect openly on the experience and how it was, for anyone that's interested in what a retreat and meditation can offer.
Maybe you will be inspired to go and try out a meditation for a few minutes. Why not right now? I'm certainly not asking you to believe me. Go see it for yourself.
Overall, the retreat was hard. Perhaps that’s the point.